Laughing Gas
by candy-n-stardust
Summary: Drax probably shouldn't have punched Rocket into the Milano's retractable ladder. That way they could have avoided a horribly chaotic day, an unwanted trip to the hospital, an infected bite wound, and facing the undeniable fact that Rocket needed his vaccinations. Humorous, hurt/comfort one-shot.


**I know I'm in the middle of a story right now, but I had to get this out. I wanted to do something kinda funny, and this idea popped into my head. I hope you guys enjoy this little one-shot I wrote within the span of three hours. I never edited it, so I hope it's alright.**

… **Then again, I never edit anything I write. XD**

 **Enjoy, and I hope you laugh a little!**

It was a completely, normal day – not a mishap to be seen. The Guardians were arguing over breakfast, the coffee maker was having issues again, and they only got one threat from some starship on the other side of the quadrant.

Yup, it was an absolutely normal day.

Until Nova Prime called. Which basically meant this day was about to get _real_ shitty.

"It has come to my attention that your teammate is an animal."

Rocket bristled at the comment, and promptly stood up on the table, accidentally stomping a foot in Gamora's cereal.

"What the flark did you just call me?!"

Gamora picked up her spoon and tried to find a way to eat around Rocket's foot.

"With that said", Nova Prime continued, "he must be vaccinated."

This time everyone looked up in shock, mouths full or dripping with food.

" _What the FLAR-!_ "

"Rocket, shush!" Peter yanked Rocket off the table, out of Gamora's cereal, and into his arms, where he threw his hand over Rocket's mouth.

"Hold on one second, Prime. How the heck do you know he hasn't – y'know, gotten his shots?"

Rocket made an incredulous sound from behind Peter's hand, and began to thrash and scream what were probably obscenities.

"Our scanners detected it when we assessed your team's wounds after the battle over Xandar."

Gamora, giving up on her cereal, pushed it away and focused her attention on the issue at hand.

"But Rocket is a person. I understand that it would be in Rocket's best interest to receive these vaccinations, but he should be able to decide for himself what he wants to do."

Nova Prime seemed to ponder on it for a moment before calmly replying.

"Very well. He may choose what he wishes to do. However, you must know that it is a requirement in many systems that he have the necessary vaccinations. I'm sending you the list of what he needs. Good day."

Before anyone could ask further questions, she blinked out, leaving everyone silent for a long moment before Quill screamed.

"AAAAHH!"

Everyone stared at him as Rocket bit down hard on his thumb. Peter took notice and changed tactics.

"Aaaahm…. hooked on a feeling! And I'm high on believing! That you're in – OOF!"

Rocket kicked Peter in the stomach and tumbled down to the floor, spitting out flecks of blood.

"Yeesh! You humies taste _disgusting!_ "

Peter only then realized that he had gotten bitten – by a raccoon who needed his vaccinations – and promptly began to freak out.

"Shit, SHIT, _SHIT!_ Rocket, you _bit_ me! You might have diseases or something!"

"Yeah?" Rocket scraped his tongue over his teeth, seemingly still disturbed by the taste of Quill's skin. "You were askin' for it, shoving yer hands in my mouth!"

Gamora rolled her eyes and pulled her cereal back to herself, suddenly feeling her appetite return.

"Children, both of you."

Drax creased his not-eyebrows (because Drax doesn't _have_ eyebrows) down low on his forehead.

"Quill is not a child. He is a grown man, even if he _is_ puny."

Quill proclaimed otherwise, but still risked a glance at his arms, secretly comparing his arms to Drax's.

"And Rocket, here, he is not a child, either. He's an –"

" _Don't say it."_

"… animal."

" _THAT'S IT!"_

Rocket lunged at Drax, who immediately swiped at the air to knock Rocket away. The raccoon went flying back, crashing into the retractable ladder, which immediately bounced up to the ceiling, taking the bewildered raccoon with it. There was a loud crash from above, and all was silent for a moment.

"I did not mean to do that."

Everyone immediately stood up and raced to get to Rocket, pulling down the ladder and forcing Quill to go first. At the top, he gasped and rushed over to his teammate's side, who was out of it and seeing stars.

"Is… Is he okay?"

Gamora moved up next to Peter, and pulled Rocket up onto his feet. The raccoon stood for a moment, and then crashed back onto Peter, who shrieked in absolute terror. Gamora looked at him quizzically.

"What? I thought he was gonna lunge again!"

Gamora yanked Rocket off of the Terran and made her way down the ladder. "He appears to have a concussion. We must take him to the nearest clinic for appropriate treatment."

Peter made a face as Rocket's hand fell from where it rested on his chest. It didn't look right. "Uh, I think he might have a broken arm, too."

Gamora checked, and sighed. "Great. Drax, where in the nearest clinic?"

"Xandar. And how is the rodent having broken bones a good thing?"

Gamora facepalmed, ignoring Drax's question. "Even better."

Peter's eyes widened, suddenly realizing the problem. "They're not gonna let him in, are they? He doesn't have his vaccines."

"Correct", Gamora said. "I guess he'll be getting his injuries treated _and_ receiving his vaccinations today. Thankfully, it's only Rocket that needs treatment."

Peter suddenly yanked his thumb up to his face. "Ow ow ow, it's tingling… Why is my thumb tingling?"

"It appears to be turning purple", Drax mused. "Perhaps the small one does indeed carry diseases."

"Great! Yipee! Now I need vaccines, too! Thanks a lot, you annoying little furball!"

Drax was so perplexed by Quill's entire statement that he was sure Quill had gone insane.

. . .

Getting to the clinic was the easy part. Making the deal with the doctors that if they treated Rocket's wounds they would do his vaccinations was also pretty easy – if you include the part where Drax _took out his knife._

Everyone knew that the moment Rocket woke up, every little thing would become a task.

Unfortunately, that moment happened to be the second after the Guardians walked out of the room to allow the doctors to treat the raccoon. Everyone knew it was that moment when the room was suddenly filled with shouts, screeches, supplies clattering to the floor, and crashes of all kinds.

The door was suddenly thrown open as a nurse, screeching and holding the top her of dress together, ran down the hallway with only one shoe, calling for tranquilizers. Moments later, a tiny, furry animal clad in a hospital gown and with a bandage half-secured on his head stumbled out of the room, growling wildly.

Peter held up his hands as doctors and nurses peeked around corners to assess the situation, whispering to each other for tranquilizers and even a shock collar.

"Rocket, buddy, calm down. You're gonna hurt yourself more."

Rocket pointed his uninjured arm at them, glaring at them all individually.

"Traitors! You're all stupid traitors! I shoulda - !"

There was a beat of silence as Rocket looked at the dart sticking out of his outstretched arm. His eyes fluttered before he fell onto the ground in a heap. Everyone let out a sigh of relief as the doctors gathered him back up and took him to the room once again.

. . .

When the Guardians were finally able to visit their friend, the doctor was smiling.

"He'll be alright. He woke up again halfway through, so we put him on gas. It actually seems to work better than the tranquilizer."

"Is he awake?"

The doctor chuckled before walking down the hall with his clipboard, calling back over his shoulder.

"Oh, yeah!"

They exchanged glances before entering the room. Rocket had a cuff on his arm attached to a heart rate monitor and his head and arm had been taken care of, but besides that, everything looked normal.

Everything _looked_ normal.

"Wha do I gotta do ta get summa tha?"

Everyone exchanged glances again, and then creeped closer.

"Some… Some of what, Rocket?"

Rocket drowsily turned his bandaged head to Peter, giving him a tired look of disbelief, like what he was saying was the most normal thing in the world. Rocket lifted his uninjured arm to point at the bandaged one.

"Summa tha cott'n candy!"

Gamora snorted and backed away, turning toward the door in silent laughter, shoulders quaking.

Drax, for once, wasn't confused as to what Rocket was talking about. He knew his teammate was under the effects of what the doctor had described as 'gas', so he simply chalked up Rocket's strange behavior to that. The warrior stepped forward in urgency when he noticed the raccoon struggling to get out of bed.

"Small friend, do not move. You are unwell."

Rocket sluggishly waved him off, but did not protest as Drax laid his large hand on Rocket's chest and gently guided him back to lie on the bed.

"Eh, if I wan my opinion, I can ask y'fer it."

Peter felt a smile creeping up on his face, and he began to giggle a little as Gamora's own laughter intensified.

"Am I laughin' at you? Ya think this is fffffffunny?!"

Peter only laughed harder. He decided it'd be okay to mess with the raccoon for a moment.

"Hey, Rocket."

"What?"

"There's cotton candy on your head."

Rocket reached up with his hand to find the bandages on his head, although he couldn't seem to find his head. After a few moments, he let his hand slump back onto the bed, and he simply stared at the wall with a very confused expression on his face.

"Quill, I don't have a head."

Peter laughed, and had to sit down on a nearby chair. Gamora giggled at the lost expression on her teammate's face.

"Where'd ya put m'head? Where's my cott'n candy?"

"Rocket", Gamora said inbetween gasps. "Rocket, are you an animal?"

Everyone waited with baited breath as the raccoon stared at the wall again, as if he had to really comprehend what just came out of Gamora's mouth.

"I am?!"

Gamora laughed again. "I don't know, are you?"

"Yes. Yes."

"Why?" Peter pressed.

"… Because _I don't have a head!_ "

Peter and Gamora were laughing again, but their laughter died down the moment Rocket sniffed. Drax stepped forward again and rested a massive hand on the raccoon's tiny shoulder.

"I believe the furry one is upset because of the 'gas'. Perhaps we should discontinue this, and let him rest."

"I'm just an animal", Rocket quietly said, although drowsily. "Yer not gon' send me back there, right?"

Gamora kneeled down close to Rocket.

"Back where?"

"The place…" he took in a breath. "The place…" Another breath. "The doctors n' the needles n' the…" Rocket sniffed again.

"No", Peter said sternly. "Never."

Rocket nodded drowsily, and didn't take notice when a nurse came in followed by a doctor. The nurse was holding a tray lined with various needles. The Guardians stiffened upon seeing the tray. Sure, they knew they were vaccines, but Rocket had just revealed his underlying fear about being in a hospital setting, which meant now was not a good time to introduce needles to the little raccoon's drugged body.

As the nurse took the caps off the needles, Peter approached the doctor.

"Can it wait? He's sorta in panic mode right now."

The doctor took a glance at the motionless raccoon and proceeded to check things off on his clipboard.

"It's just the effects of the gas. I've seen patients cry for no reason while under its effects. Your friend is fine."

Peter opened his mouth to speak again, but the doctor moved ahead of him and stood at the bedside. Rocket slowly turned his head, an uninterested expression on his face – or maybe he was just really out of it. Peter couldn't tell.

Either way, his expression turned to one of subdued fear the moment the doctor stuck one of the needles into Rocket's arm.

"Wha'th… Quill, get him 'way from me!"

Peter rested his hand on Rocket's shoulder to steady him, offering him support as the doctor pulled out the needle and inserted the next.

"Ow! Quill!"

Rocket struggled to push the doctor's hand away, but his perception was off from the gas, leaving him sluggishly pushing the air around the doctor's arm.

"It's alright, Rocket. They're giving you stuff to make you feel better."

"No they're not, Quill!" Rocket nearly shouted as another needle was inserted. "They're gon' tear me apart n'… n' they're gon' tear me apart!"

Peter cringed as the raccoon's claw actually caught the fabric of the doctor's lab coat, but the nurse gently removed Rocket's hand from the coat as the doctor injected him with another vaccine.

"Stop! N'more!"

Rocket closed his eyes, and when he opened them, everyone but the Guardians was gone. Rocket's head hurt, and he reached up to touch the bandage on his head.

"Quill?"

Peter scooted his chair closer to his friend.

"Hey, look who's awake?"

Rocket looked down at his arm and felt his head again.

"What happened?"

Peter looked at him, puzzled. "You don't remember?"

Rocket shook his head, suddenly wary of his surroundings. "Where am I?"

"You're in a Xandar hospital", Gamora said as she stood up and stretched. "You suffered a concussion and a broken arm, and you also required vaccinations. The bite wound you gave Quill was proof enough that you _needed_ those vaccines."

"Yeah", Peter said as he looked at his thumb. The swelling had gone down, but the doctors told him to watch it for a while, in case any discoloration happened.

"So when are they gonna do the vaccinations? I wanna get out of here."

Gamora smirked. "Already done."

A moment of silent agreement passed between them, and within seconds, Gamora was unhooking Rocket from his IV drip and his heart monitor, and all four of them were running down the hall past startled nurses and incredulous doctors.

The four of them – the strangest group the hospital had ever seen – and the staff hadn't even seen Groot with them.

Yet.

They'd be back. With all the mishaps that happen to them on a daily basis, it was a wonder they didn't live at the hospital. Maybe it was because none of them liked being there in the first place.

Maybe it was because they never stuck around long enough to experience their visits in full.

Or maybe it was just because they never knew about the wonders of laughing gas.

 **Thanks for reading! Reviews are appreciated!**


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